After decades in business, I realize how time-consuming it can be to argue with your teams, colleagues, and bosses.
Over time, I’ve learned how to fight for my beliefs, keeping arguments at the idea level and still respecting the other party for who they are.
We all know team alignment is key to success.
So, shouldn’t we all focus on deconstructing each other’s points of view and discovering common ground?
Well. It doesn’t always go that way. I’ve even seen it move to a nastier and more personal approach at times.
The other party quit fighting for their ideas. They’re now attacking you.
I felt hurt, intimidated, and destabilized the first time this happened. Out of respect for the individual, I changed the name, but here’s how it played out in my head:
“Did Fred believe it when he said I was dumb? That I didn’t understand how our business works and that I should find another company to obliterate?
After all, that same Fred had been there for twenty years. He possibly knew more about our industry than a newcomer like me”.
It took me a few instances like this. But, I soon realized that whenever personal insults started to flow in my direction, the other party was actually running out of anything productive to say.
Suddenly, they had to switch modes and make me look bad. That’s when I knew I had won!
Yet, a key question remained: how to victoriously close the conversation at that stage?
The last thing to do is fall into that personal attack trap. Don’t try to refute any insult; worse, don’t even think about throwing back any personal attack in return! It simply isn’t the matter at hand.
The best approaches I’ve seen were keeping the talk logical and factual. Something along the lines of:
“OK, Fred. I notice you don’t have any further counterarguments to this specific conversation. And while you still seem to disagree, I have more evidence that my proposed approach can work”.
You get the point: focus on the matter and bring closure.
One might argue that you’ll have more difficulty closing the argument if the other party is your boss.
I differ.
Despite having to endure personal insults from a likely abusive person, you know they could not overcome your rationale. Focus on closing your winning point of view.
In the worst case, the other party might still use its power to overcome you and prevail. But you know you’ll have that ammunition and can refresh their memory later once they’ve been proven wrong by reality.
So, keep fighting for your ideas, admit when you’re wrong, get to the bottom of every rationale and, as importantly, leave insults and personal attacks on the side burner.
You’ll become more successful and respected than the vast majority of leaders out there.